Repairing the child-parent relationship after traumatic
separation, alienation
Parental Alienation Syndrome difficult, but possible, to
overcome
By Jeff Opperman, For Counseling Today
|
Jeff
Opperman is a writer living in |
The
concept of Parental Alienation Syndrome is pretty simple — one parent deliberately
damages, and in some cases destroys, the previously healthy, loving
relationship between his or her child and the child’s other parent. In a severe
PAS case, the alienating parent and child work together to successfully
eliminate the previously loved Mom or Dad from the child’s life. Their campaign
is aimed at destroying Mom or Dad’s position as a loving parent and responsible
adult.
Richard
A. Gardner, a private practitioner and attending psychiatrist at New York’s
Presbyterian Hospital, coined the term Parental Alienation Syndrome almost 20
years ago to describe the breakdown of previously normal, loving parent/child
relationship during divorce and child custody cases. However, the United States
judicial system pays little, if any, attention to PAS. The legal and
psychological communities, not to mention family members and well-meaning
friends, often mistakenly dismiss PAS as the typical rancor associated with
high-conflict divorce and child custody cases. With one of every two marriages
ending in divorce, approximately 20 million children are already victims of
mild, moderate or severe alienating behavior. Twenty-five million more children
will likely face some form of PAS in their futures.
In
a severe PAS case, unresolved psychological and emotional issues are at the
foundation of the alienating parent’s destructive actions toward the previously
loved other parent. “During a divorce, the alienating parent feels an intense
level of abandonment and betrayal,” said David Israel, a Connecticut clinical
psychologist who specializes in child advocacy and family mediation. “This
parent’s main missions become filling the void left by the divorce and
destroying a relationship that is loved and cherished by the other parent.
“The
alienating parent uses his or her child to fill the emptiness in order to keep
from feeling abandoned,” he added. “Emotionally speaking, the child sees the
parent as a victim and feels obligated to take care of the parent. The child
takes on much more than he or she should take on – worrying about the parent,
defending the parent and making sure the parent is OK. During this time, the
child becomes emotionally dependent on the alienating parent — looking to the
parent for acknowledgement and praise on how well he or she is performing the
new responsibilities. So you have a very unhealthy situation where the parent
is emotionally dependent on the child and vice versa. This unhealthy dependency
between parent and child is the foundation of PAS.”
The
targeted parent is left mourning the loss of the child. The child isn’t dead,
but a loving, caring, sensitive child is now an angry, bitter extension of the
alienating parent. The love the alienated parent and child shared is gone. The
alienated parent is desperate — willing to try anything to repair the
relationship with the child. However, repairing that relationship with old
behaviors and traditional family therapy is virtually impossible.
“The
common goal of traditional family during a divorce is to help the divorcing
spouses co-parent for the best interests of the child,” Israel said. “However,
in PAS families, the parents do not have — nor do they share — that common
goal. The severely alienating parent and child have their own agenda — they
want to keep the targeted parent out of the child’s life. They may initially
convince a competent therapist of the righteousness of their position, but a
good clinician will discover inconsistencies in their story. When the parent
and child realize the clinician is challenging them instead of passively
listening and supporting them, they stop cooperating. At that point, the
therapist must recommend more dramatic measures.”
How
dramatic? In order for a severely alienated child to rebuild his or her
relationship with the alienated parent, the child must be removed from the
alienating parent’s sphere of influence. The child must live full-time with the
alienated parent. The child can’t call, visit or have any contact with the
alienating parent — until the child is strong enough to withstand that parent’s
negative and destructive influence.
And
the sound you just heard was many judges gasping in indignation and disbelief.
In
today’s courtrooms, judges are unlikely to award custody of the child to the targeted
parent and remove the child from the only place the child considers home. They
believe such a radical course of action will somehow damage the child. Despite
the fact that there is no clinical evidence to suggest that placing a severely
alienated PAS child with his or her one emotionally healthy parent will harm
the child, most judges would rather not further upset a child already reeling
over the breakup of his or her family.
“No
judge will take the necessary steps to address a severe case of PAS until a
case is so bad that the child is completely alienated from the parent,” said
Pamela Hoch, founder of the Rachel Foundation, a non-profit organization in
Gaithersburg, Md., that specializes in reintegrating alienated children and
parents. “Many times I tell a parent, ‘It must get worse before it can get
better.’ Usually the child will act out excessively about visiting the
alienated parent. The child may send the most toxic hate mail imaginable to the
parent. A judge usually must see that type of behavior before he or she will
consider taking the necessary draconian steps to successfully resolve the
case.”
Reintegrating
an alienated child and parent takes extensive physical contact — normal
day-to-day contact — between the child and parent. The alienated child must
rediscover a healthy, loving relationship with the alienated parent in order to
eventually have loving relationships with both parents on his or her own terms.
“In our program we take the view that alienated children aren’t unhealthy,” Hoch
said. “These children are just trying to survive as hostages in an alienation
situation. We don’t believe these children are sick.”
Any
reintegration program first must overcome the child’s acting out and mistrust.
Second, it must focus on education rather than therapy. Then the child and
parent must rediscover good communication skills. Finally, the child must build
bridges to a new life that includes the formerly alienated parent, the parent’s
extended family and friends and, one day, the alienating parent.
The
process begins after the judge gives the alienated parent full custody of the
child. Transferring the child from the alienating parent to the alienated
parent is often the most difficult, and stressful, part of the process for both
child and parent.
In
many cases, the local police department and child welfare agency must be
notified before a transfer. A controlled environment during the transfer is
essential on the practical, psychological and law enforcement levels. All
children refuse to go in the beginning. A severely alienated child will scream
during a transfer, “I’m being kidnapped; I’m being abducted.” A parent needs
strong, knowledgeable and trained people along the route to ensure an orderly
transfer to the parent’s home, a rented facility or even a hotel room. The goal
should be to get the child into the new environment safely and as quickly as
possible.
The
alienated parent shouldn’t take part in the transfer. This way, the child
doesn’t have the familiar target against whom to direct his or her anger and
bad behavior. Instead, the child should deal with a facilitator — a neutral
third party. A facilitator may be a mental health professional or may be
someone working with a mental health professional. Typically, the Rachel
Foundation uses someone older — a non-threatening grandfather or grandmother
type — to explain to the child in very concrete, no-nonsense language, “This is
happening, and there is nothing you can do about it. We know this is unpleasant
for you, and we’re here to help you get through it. But that doesn’t mean it
isn’t going to happen or be any less unpleasant.”
Naturally,
the facilitator must overcome the child’s mistrust. The child also needs to
cool off and regain control of his or her emotions. A child may need anywhere
from two hours to two weeks to cool down. During this part of the process, the
facilitator should focus on education rather than on therapy. The facilitator
needs to inform the child in age-appropriate language what will happen next.
Much like a project manager in a business meeting, the facilitator should
outline the goals, objectives and parameters of the project — breaking down
larger objectives into smaller, more manageable tasks.
The
alienated parent may or may not have contact with the child during the
cooling-off period. However once the child calms down, the alienated parent
should always be in the picture. The biggest hurdle is breaking down the
child’s false beliefs about the alienated parent (i.e., the parent isn’t the
violent, dangerous and untrustworthy monster the child believes the parent to
be). The facilitator and other adults should take on this task through a series
of age-appropriate reality checks. They must lead the child and parent through
simple, normal everyday activities. And the tasks should be simple — getting
dressed, doing laundry, making dinner, eating dinner together, cleaning up,
going to movies, parks and museums. The child and parent should also watch each
other interact with other people. This process benefits the parent as much as
the child. Don’t forget, in some cases the parent and child haven’t been
together in the same room for years. The parent often believes the child is the
same child he or she knew before the alienation. That isn’t the case.
“In
reality, no one can break down a child’s false reality except the child. But by
engaging the child and parent in normal activities, the child gets to see for
him or herself that the parent doesn’t fit the child’s long-held beliefs.
That’s when the child’s false belief system starts to crumble,” Hoch said.
The
parent and child’s work doesn’t end here. The two still must address the issues
that led to their current relationship. The two can’t be fully reintegrated as
long as one or both of them continues to sweep unresolved issues under a rug.
Bringing
these issues out in the open is tricky. Negative comments about the alienating
parent are never a good idea. In fact, the parent may resist saying anything
that could damage the new, fragile parent/child relationship. And the child may
not feel safe saying anything. Enter the facilitator. The facilitator should
act as a communication conduit between the parent and child. When the child
starts questioning the differences between his or her distorted memory and his
or her new reality, the child will typically broach the subject with someone
other than the parent first.
Ultimately,
no one — not the facilitator, parent or anyone else — can change the child’s
mind about what did or didn’t happen in the past. The only person who can do
that is the child. And the only way the child can realize that his or her
perception of the parent is wrong is to compare that perception with the new
reality in front of his or her eyes. “It could take the child as much as a year
for the child to open up to the parent about how he or she felt during the lost
time. And finishing that conversation could take years,” Hoch said.
A
successful reintegration does not guarantee a successful long-term
relationship. The key to long-term success is the child and parent’s pre-PAS
relationship. Were the two close? Did they have a healthy and strong bond? If
the parent/child relationship was good, then their future looks bright.
Even
when the child and parent shared a healthy pre-alienation relationship, their
future could be complicated by something Hoch called “the pendulum effect.” If
the court allows a child to re-establish contact with the alienating parent too
soon, the child begins swinging wildly between the two parents. According to
Hoch, the formerly alienated parent must remain calm during these swings and
continue sending the child messages filled with love and support.
Another
key factor in the long-term success of the reintegration process is bridge
relationships. For example, a child alienated from his or her mother may have
stayed close to an aunt — the mother’s sister. The aunt becomes the bridge
relationship. Siblings also make excellent bridges. Bridge relationships are
important because the “bridge” person has loving relationships with both the
alienated child and the parent. The bridge person provides a much-needed
reality check for a reintegrated child experiencing the pendulum effect. These
relationships become particularly important to the long-term success of the
reintegration process once the formerly alienated child turns 18 years old and
is beyond the court’s jurisdiction.
Jeff Opperman can be reached at: HugstoHeartbreak@aol.com
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