The importance of Grandparents and
The Charter for Grandchildren
James Deuchars, Grandparents
Apart Groups, UK, lecture at the NCHR's Symposium in Gothenburg, Sweden, August 21,
2010.
|
|
Good morning ladies and gentlemen. I am pleased to be with you today to tell
you about our Grandparents Apart Groups and The Charter for Grandchildren which
we helped create.
---------------------------
We are all grandparents
who know the devastation of losing contact with our grandchildren, often
through no fault of our own. We needed emotional support that was previously not
available in Scotland.
Family members had great patience with us as it was
all we could talk about but we needed to talk to someone who has been through
it themselves as the mind is so confused with emotion it is hard to think
straight.
Our helpline encourages grandparents to think more
clearly and helps them avoid following the many false trails that we have
grasped at in the past because we were so desperate to ease our pain and the
pain of our grandchildren knowing they would be missing us as well.
We have fought hard to
highlight the problem and the effect this has on children. We fought to change the attitudes of
authorities and although we are not lawyers or social workers we fought with
justice on our side.
-----------------------------------
Our group started because
of our own situation. We were a happy
family, going along with the usual petty family problems until the death of our
daughter. A new baby that had just been
born and a two year old were without a mother so we were now suddenly in a
parent role as Dad had to keep working. This event was life changing as you
would expect.
3 years after the death of
our daughter our son-in-law met somebody else through the national support
group for the bereaved. He wanted to make a new life with her, many miles
away. When the time came for our
son-in-law and grandchildren to move away they wouldn’t or couldn’t understand
the effect this would have on the children, the youngest in particular, as she
was leaving her gran who had been the only ‘mum’ she had known.
The day came when they were
leaving and because the children were so upset our hearts were broken. They cried and called for us to not let them
go but we could do nothing to help them.
We then knew how little
grandparents were recognised by authorities and how easily our grandchildren
could be wrenched from our lives
We looked around for
someone to help us and them, for information or support. We found no real help.
We did contact a local
solicitor who had to contact another as the children now lived in England. At court, before we went in front of the
judge we were asked by a court official if we would be willing to attend a
mediation session to see if we could come to an agreement without
courtroom. We were happy to try and all
had a long discussion. With the help of the court official we reached
agreement. It was a bit shaky
initially, but lasted quite well.
Because the agreement was
reached by mediation it was flexible, with any necessary changes possible when
agreed by all. Had we gone before the
judge, any decision could not have been changed without further court
appearances, so it was to everyone’s benefit to resolve the situation and most
importantly, in the best interests of the children.
--------------------------
When we discover that as
grandparents we have no right to contact with our own grandchildren we are
devastated, but our overriding concern is for the children who in turn have no
right to a relationship with us. Every
person who contacts us feels the same pain, devastation and injustice.
We have heard arguments
from lawyers who say grandparents do have rights. They say we have the right to
raise an action for contact. Having to
spend thousands of pounds to go through the court system to prove that you are
worthy to contact your own grandchildren is an insult to good living
grandparents that have often done no wrong.
Contact can be stopped simply because the children’s parents have
separated or have had a silly argument with the grandparent’s which blows out
of all proportion and is usually nothing to do with the children, simply a
conflict of personalities between adults.
-------------------------------
Research done by Professor
Peter K. Smith and Linda Drew of Goldsmith College, Oxford found that 82% of
grandparents (especially grandmothers) who suffer from depression, nervous
problems or have suicidal tendencies are able to link the cause of their
illness to them being rejected by their families.
Almost all grandmothers
who have been denied contact with their grandchildren felt that they are somehow
to blame for their family acting so cruelly. They don't understand what
can have gone so wrong.
------------------------------------
We felt that grandchildren were losing out on the protection and care of their
grandparents, so we set about writing to our Justice Minister about this
injustice and continued to lobby all MSPs in Scotland and MPs in England.
Highlighting the issues
and problems and showing how common this heartache was becoming had became our
life’s work.
We had meetings with the
Scottish Executive to put forward our case.
The information we provided and the facts of our cases, that such a
thing could happen today amazed some people in the Executive at our meetings.
Above all we want to fill
the gap in the law that exists in the protection of children. The gap is that
the child’s best interests are not always being served by Social Services, the
courts and professionals across the board. Too often even in the home where
children can be alienated, abused, used as weapons or blackmail, where child
abuse is on the increase and children’s rights can be zero.
Grandparents without some
sort of rights are not able to protect the children and speak up about abuse
without the fear of excommunication from their young lives. If we don’t have contact we cannot help.
At the meetings we gave
them our collated information and our suggestions to help reduce the
problems. They were extremely surprised
by what we told them actually happened in practice when families separate or
fall out.
----------------------------------
We sent a questionnaire to
our members and contacts so that we could supply statistics to our government
and although we were not surprised by the results the government were.
76% of replies had dealt with
Social Services and almost half of those had experience of made up meetings and
falsified reports, over half felt
they had been ignored in relation to their grandchildren’s welfare.
47% of replies had
experienced what they see as an injustice from the courts.
72% have had court orders
granted, yet over half have had problems
with enforcement.
27% of replies feel they have
had a court order granted against them for no real reason.
61% of the replies find our
current court system too slow.
76% that had sought advice
over half of those felt the advice given was wrong or bad.
Almost 80% saw
suffering to the children because of Alienation/ brainwashing and blackmail
(mental cruelty).
93% of replies see Mandatory
Mediation as a solution
92% of replies have
experience of one person having ultimate control over a whole family.
98% of replies think it would
be better if disputes could be dealt with outside of courts.
96% of replies want a change
in the law to ensure attempts at family unity have the best chance of success.
--------------------------
We suggested centres for Family education, Mediation and Contact totally
geared towards the family, with Mandatory Mediation. Without the Mandatory
aspect it will be very difficult to make Mediation work. Agreement is not mandatory, the effort
should be.
“Alienation”
would
become a thing of the past as
children would be mixing with the wider family and will know the truth anyway,
for themselves. They would have the right to decide who they maintain contact
with, without brainwashing.
“Mandatory
Mediation” with
a counsellor would encourage
families to resolve their differences together rather than attending
voluntarily. Making adults think of the
welfare of their children rather than just their own selfishness, would ease
any bitterness.
“Contact
for grandparents”, if there is no
legitimate reason for grandparents to be denied contact, the grandparents
should not be refused contact, because it upsets the parent or their new
partner. No one wants to separate the children from their mother unless the
children are in danger, least of all grandparents who love the children and
want what’s best for them..
“Family
Education” New
partners must realise that children have family ties to non-resident parents
and extended family. Young mothers
need all the help they can get and should be encouraged to accept the help
available and need to know how the children are damaged by needless bitterness
in family arguments.
“Grandparents”
in a
lot of cases need to learn to let go of their children, if they let them go as
children they will return as friends more
eager to accept advice that is not forced down their throat. A young mum would
be delighted with the help and advice from the grandparents that is not
patronising and with the attitude that grandparents know better.
“Family harmony” needs to be worked at by every member of the family
if it is to work, maybe if children are brought up without alienation and being
torn apart by arguments and court cases, we would have better citizens in
future. When children see adults
compromising they will learn to do the same.
“Children live what they learn”.
---------------------------
Our guidance is building
bridges is easier than bulldozing. Be
friendly.
Grandparents may have to
learn to take a bit of a back seat and present an attitude of friendship rather
than criticism. Be prepared to help
when required, but step back when not.
Learn the principle of
co-operation, not manipulation. Learn
what is expected of each of you in these roles, how not to step over the line.
Be prepared to talk about
the problems you are experiencing and listen to how other people cope, learn
from others.
Be patient, results may
not happen overnight, but with effort they will.
---------------------------
We spent long hours
gathering information to give to the Executive. We did many TV and radio spots and countless newspaper articles
and press releases highlighting the problem and what we were trying to do to
help. We even hosted a radio programme
for three afternoons on local radio, playing some music and telling the public
about the issues involved.
Along the way we also
realised that many grandparents are looking after their grandchildren, formally
or informally and are struggling financially because they are afraid to speak
up to ask for help for fear that the children could be taken away from them and
placed in care, as is sadly too often the case. We had to help them too.
-------------------------
Our group was then invited
to attend a consultation meeting for preparation to revise Family Laws in
Scotland in April 2005. We could not
miss this chance. This was a totally new experience for us. We were just ordinary grans and granddads,
we had never done anything like this before and we were very nervous, but we
could not pass up this opportunity we had to contribute, we had to do what we
could to help families, help children.
The remit of the
Stakeholder Group was to assist in producing a “Parenting Agreement” to help
separating couples focus on their children and a “Grandparent’s Charter” to
help anyone dealing with children to know how important their wider family is
to them.
These were both to be
non-legal documents to accompany the Family Law (Scotland) Act 2006. We put
forward our proposals for a better way forward.
Also involved in the group
were representatives of Families Need Fathers, Couple Counselling Scotland,
Family Mediation Scotland, Scottish Marriage Care, Scottish Women’s Aid,
Parenting Across Scotland, Stepfamily Scotland, Social Services, Children in
Scotland, Family Law Association, Association of Directors of Social Work. All supported the opinion that grandparents
were of great value to their grandchildren, but supported the Executive’s
stance that no legal backing should be given to that value.
After
only a few meetings of the Stakeholder Group it was obvious to all that our
main priority was the children and the Grandparent’s Charter was soon renamed
‘The Charter for Grandchildren’. Most
appropriate.
-----------------------------
At one of the Stakeholder
Group meetings a presentation was given by children’s charity Children 1st. The presentation was about how they help
families in trouble to sort out their own issues, with the child as the central
character. The process is not unlike
our suggestions for how we wanted conciliation to work in a Family Centre
situation.
An appointed advocate
spends time with the child to find out what the child wants and how they feel.
Then opinions and facts are sought from wider family, schools and any
other adult involved in the child’s life.
Usually within around six weeks a family conference is held to decide on
a way forward that can suit everyone involved, but that focuses on the best
interests of the child.
The success rate is over
90% and agreements are kept because there is less animosity, blame and friction
with this process.
--------------------------------
The future we hope for
will be promotion of mediation and education about what is in the child’s best
interest. This hopefully will help in
the majority of cases as parents often don’t realise that what they do has such
an impact on their children. They don’t
mean to harm them or disadvantage them; they just get caught up in their own
hurt and unhappiness.
The “Charter for
Grandchildren” says that children can expect to know their grandparents. However, it doesn’t protect children who,
for example have been looked after by their grandparents informally (like our
own situation) and are suddenly and forcibly removed from the adults they have
bonded with to return to their parent(s) who can be a relative stranger to
them. This change can scar the child
for life if not done with care. Grandchildren
need the legal right to have their grandparents’ protection when necessary.
We are depending on
education and discussion.
-------------------------
Along with others,
Grandparents Apart put a lot of hard work into “The Charter for Grandchildren” demanding to be heard about the
gaps in the family law concerning their grandchildren. Why? Because we really do have the best interests
of our grandchildren at heart, if it was not for love of them why would we
bother? The majority of
grandparents love to have their grandchildren visit but love to see them go
home again within a happy family environment.
--------------------------
The Charter for Grandchildren gives no more rights to
grandparents than they have at present but the children will have official
guidance to support the view that grandparents are regarded more in their
lives.
The Charter, when followed ensures that professionals
must use the army of willing grandparents or provide an explanation why that is
not suitable, in the best interests of the children. The acceptance of The
Charter for Grandchildren will send a message to parents that grandparents are
important in children’s lives and will encourage more harmony in the family.
Our role today, as well as
supporting families is to make sure the Charter for Grandchildren is being used
for guidance and to encourage its use. We
must also promote early mediation to help resolve problems in families before
disagreements get to the point of no return.
Because of the rise in
drug addicted parents there is now a huge shortage of carers for children taken
into care. The recognition of the role grandparents can play in children’s
lives as carers will open up a huge army of willing helpers and for the first
time proper financial assistance will be available.
By following The Charter
for Grandchildren the benefit to the children is, being kept in as near a home
environment as possible, instead of being separated and fostered out to
different homes. That is a huge trauma to a child, removed completely from
those that they know and love.
It is well known that children who go through the care
system are very often non-achievers and end up joining gangs as a replacement
for the family they have been robbed of when they were young, ending up on the
wrong side of the law.
---------------------------
The Charter for Grandchildren has now been adopted by the full Glasgow
City Council. It is social services who are reluctant to accept it as it would
mean change for them and a slight loss of their omnipotent status.
---------------------------
Before I close, I would like to inform you that
Grandparents Apart UK is planning
a big demonstration against the social services. This is our flyer.
---------------------------
Grandparents
Apart UK
Rally
Glasgow.
A
demonstration shortly against the unapproachable godlike attitude of social
services and to alert the general public
of
the social services (SS) failings regarding children’s welfare.
Calling
on all who have been robbed and ruined by social services to attend and demand
a retraining of the social services from
A
hitlerite SS status to a caring helpful organisation it was designed to be.
Accused
of:- Failure to implement The Charter for Grandchildren
that a Scottish Executive recognised as badly needed for the care and
protection of children if parents were unavailable. Created with the input of
grandparents and children’s groups and accepted by the Full City of Glasgow
Council.
Accused
of:- Deliberately dividing families by excluding
grandparents as part of the family by regarding them as irrelevant persons in
their grandchildren’s lives.
Accused
of:- Not using every available source for the care and
protection of children. (As in the extended family)
Accused
of:- Forced Adoption, of children to strangers when the
extended family are available.
Accuse
of:- Placing children in care with organisations at a cost
of £400.00p a week is a waste of your money when grandparents are a far cheaper
option and it keeps a child in a stable home environment. Children in the care
system are proven to be non-achievers, rebellious, low self esteem and are more
likely to join gangs when they are older. Gangs who make us afraid to go out or
answer our door at night.
Accused
of:- Spending thousands of pounds of tax payer’s money
to say “We Can’t Be Beaten” to bring back a child from the republic of
Ireland’ Back into the same situation that the mother and child said was
abusive.
Accused
of:- Snatching a child and then proven wrong by The Court
of Human Rights. Offering £2000.00p compensation for their terrible blunder but
still failing to return the child to the parents.
Accused
of:- Dictating to a father that SS alone had the power to
do what they like with his son when the father was trying to save his child
from an abusive situation.
Accused
of:- Treating children as cost cutting commodities as in a
business deal by. Snatching, alienating them from their family and force
adopting them against the children’s wishes or their family’s.
The NCHR Symposium, August 21, 2010
Back to English Main
NKMR:s
symposium & årsmöte, 21 augusti 2010